Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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