I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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