Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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