Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
