worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
