I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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