I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
