felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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