She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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