Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
