New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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