so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just gift wrapped bread.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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