The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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