my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
