Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
