and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
