Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
