Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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