remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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