I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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