I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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