i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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