Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
