someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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