hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
bring money and cleavage
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
