Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Randomize
