Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
