You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
