Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
