he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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