My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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