so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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