you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
