I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
