I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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