Kiss
Puke
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You are the jesus of drinking
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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