No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
