Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
My ass is underappreciated
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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