Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
