Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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