I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
