jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
