Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
