i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
as a side note pls kill me
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
