I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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