Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
