I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
