it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
