he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My breasts were aching with rage.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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