Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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