6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My cat gives me a boner
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
