I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize