I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
