Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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