So drunk its hurt
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
