i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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