Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
